It is well.

Yes. I think I'm ready. For the three of you who know that my blog exists, you know already the uncertainty that became certain this past week for us. I miscarried. The weekend beforehand my brother and sister came to visit for the first time. I had no idea how much I missed them. We pretty much just hid from the heat inside, and it was great. Elsie got to spend some much-needed time getting to know some super important people, and I got free babysitting. It was also a sovereign blessing from the Lord that this, of all weeks, was the one in which they chose to come. Not only for the joy of our reuniting, but also for the wisdom, maturity and theology I was exposed to and able to draw from in the following days. The day they left, we were also hugely blessed to have in our company Rett's brother and his wife, both of whom are immensely wise and caring. How undeniably providential to have so many influential and wonderful people at hand, at this time, when I needed them all the most. I grew a lot this week. Shortly after a terribly sad goodbye to my sibs, I commented to my sister-in-law how my mindset in this pregnancy has been markedly different from that of my last. In the first, I was so...aware. Aware of my size, my symptoms, my gestational progression. I checked my books daily to see what had changed since 24 hours beforehand. While this time, often forgetting I was even pregnant at all. She reminded me afterward how this was truly the grace of God that I was rather absent-minded about the whole thing. On Monday, I started to light spot. At first I wasn't concerned, because I know pregnant women sometimes do - but it got worse, and I knew what it meant. I told Everett what I suspected, and in the morning it was confirmed. Sparing details, I will say that I got to hold it for a few minutes. It wasn't what I expected it to look like, and I am so thankful for this. It didn't actually look much like anything at all. It would have been much harder I think if it had. When it happened, I think more than anything it was just...surreal. I know that they are so very common, so I always kept it in my mind that it was a possibility - I just didn't expect it. In my hands it didn't feel like a lost child as much as a lost hope. And not to solicit any praise for my mindset which isn't of me at all, I was surprised how well I took it. I wasn't angry, I wasn't devastated, I wasn't blaming, I wasn't in denial, I wasn't bitter. I knew, even still holding it with bloody hands, that it was the Lord's the give, and His to take away, too. Not to say that my heart didn't ache or that my hands didn't feel like they were burning from the death that they held; just that after so many recent conversations about how the Lord works all things - from the evilest holocaust to really anything else - together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and for His GLORY. This. THIS brings him glory. Everett stood there for a minute, taking me in: silent, frozen, wide-eyed, heart-broken. And when he finally asked me how I was, all I could say was that this was in HIS time, by HIS plan, and for HIS glory. What else is there to say? What else is there to believe? What else is there to hold on to? If HE is not sovereign over the life of this blastocyst, how could he be sovereign over the entire universe and all that is within it? And if I cannot believe that now, how could I claim to believe that when eternity - our redemption, our sanctification, justification, and glorification - are in question. Praise the LORD. My soul has refuge in Him. My heart sings to Him for the mercy He has shown me. For the patience He has with me and with my lack of faith and understanding. I have unsurpassed peace, when my body aches for what I have lost, for what I never had...for what was and is and will eternally be His. Praise the Lord, OH MY SOUL. All that is within me, Praise His Holy Name. Last night, I finally cried. I grieved. I just needed to grieve. I don't know why I didn't need to until then. I don't know why I can't cry like a normal person. I ugly cry. Really. I hold my emotions and my breath because I despise crying in all its entirety until I can't hold it any longer and all comes whooooooshing out. It felt good though, because as much as I can hope and believe that the Lord allows unborn children of believers into His rest, I still long for my child - Elsie's sibling. The one who will forever be absent from our meals, third base, and Christmas. Until we meet again, precious one... Are they still Blastocysts at eleven weeks?

Where do we go from here?

I was recently encouraged to start blogging again. I don't really have a lot of spare time - or free hands - but the prospect stirred for a while. Usually when I do have both of these afforded to me, I like to spend time reading the words of people much smarter than I(see: God, Chambers, or Paul Miller lately). However I do enjoy blogging; it reminds me of all that the Lord has blessed me with, and is a neat way to record the thoughts of my heart. I have much of both that could stand to be saved. It is a funny time for me to be refueling this hobby, however, since we are hitting the road for nearly a full two weeks (#PleaseRobMe) to attend a wedding, and see both sides of our families. Good thing we have nosy gun-friendly neighbors who like peering over our fences and kids who jump them altogether to play our yard games we leave out (#Plus?). These last few months have been really exciting ones: Everett FINALLY graduated (#StudentDebt'Palooza), and we are closing on our home soon (#YayMoreDebt). Elsie is growing and maturing so quickly we can't keep up with her. I just try to take as many photos and videos of her as I can, and hope I capture the bigger moments. Today she started consistently doing "please" in Sign, after mastering "all done" a short time ago. She understands so much, and is always chatting about something. Yesterday, she was running around the house saying "HI!" to me every time she saw me. Lately she's also been a HUGE fan of "OH WOW!" and of course, "Uh Oh!". So far, she has repeated (though not seemingly understanding) "I LUHLOO" (I love you), "BE CAIRPUL" (Be careful), and "Layla". She likes to put objects in containers, and remove them, occasionally stacking them and repeating the process. The last several days I've filled a large bin with water in the back yard and she has spent many hours out with cups in the water. Today, she discovered the running hose and thoroughly soaked herself (check out my YouTube). We recently added another to our family in Layla. We aren't super sure what she is, but she's been both a challenge and a riot - as all puppies are. It is good for she and Elsie to have each other. Layla likes to steal whatever food Elsie has, and Elsie likes to spike Layla's ball in front of her face and watch her go get it. They've both had to learn patience due to each other's existence. Everett is working hard at the clinic getting it up and running paper-less. Quite an endeavor, it seems. He is loving coming home on lunch breaks and getting real food - not a cold sandwich, and Elsie likes getting to see her daddy much more often now. And lastly in my drawn-out, un-solicited, long-winded blog on where we are now life, I feel compelled to mention that in two short days, Everett and I will celebrate four wonderful years of marriage! What an interesting four years it has been. Many curve-balls and adventures, and lots of changes, and so fun to do with my bestie. Next blog should be interesting (#Lies) Take Care,

Irrational Fears

Of which I have a few.

1. Spiders. Any size. *although, I have been bitten before, so I don't think this is necessarily irrational

2. Escalators.

3. Revolving doors.


My mom always told me growing up to be careful getting off of escalators because if you're not watching, the grate at the bottom will suck in your toes. To this day, I see the whole process go through my head as I frantically jump up and over the grate from as far away as physically possible. I also have a moment of panic when I get ON the escalators because I don't know which step to stand on. I'm always afraid I'm going to step halfway between them and it'll go out from under me. Even the flat ones scare me for the first reason mentioned.

And as far as revolving doors go, I'm CONVINCED they're going to mush me. That I'm not going to get in far enough or fast enough and get caught. Or that as I'm going through it, that it'll stop with me stuck inside. Now, this all seems silly, except that THIS WEEKEND I was going through one and it stopped with me inside it. Not only that, but it was less than an hour after I confessed my fear to my in-laws, who happened to be on either side of the revolver. Stupid door.

Sept 1 diary

Welp, it's been crazy around these parts. A lot of traveling, a lot of friends, and most of all, a lot of much-needed naps. It's hard to get them not only with an infant, but with an infant fighting the 90+ degree heat in our bedroom.

This last weekend we had the privilege of visiting our church in Hillsboro and seeing all of our good friends at Aaron's hitching in Portland. It was a long trip there from Colorado, but well worth it. I miss Portland so much. We had so much fun in our time that we were there. That was a hard chapter to close. Unbelievably, though, we figured out that in 9 short weeks we'll be back in our home in Sunnyside for GOOD, opening an entirely new chapter.

Our baby girl is nearly 3 months old already, and doing swimmingly :) She's so, so close to being able to reach out and grab things. It takes a lot of focus, and several failed attempts, but she'll eventually get it. Wowzers. Also new: all that drooling.

Today marks the beginning of September, which also means Jess has been married for a full year now. Everett's almost completed week 2 of his second rotation, and the heat is beginning to subside (thank goodness!). I can't believe we've already plowed through August. It doesn't seem that long ago that i was counting the days until Elsie's due date in May. Move out of Forest Grove May 5, into our place in Reno May 9th, Welcome Elsie June 10th, Move to Colorado August 13, and into our place in Sunnyside November 5th.

Well, baby's awake, so I guess that's all for the recap... Cheers

I wish I were a cowboy, baaabyyyy

I forgot my camera. And believe me, this was not a time to forget it.

Ev and I drove over to Virginia City this weekend, and wow - what an experience. It's an old west towne (yes, with an 'E'), and they were taking it all way too seriously. Half of the tourists, and all of the locals had long, slicked back hair, leather hats, chaps and spurs (and walked in the "just off a horse" stroll); and whether or not they were wearing the getup, just about everyone was slinging a pistol or two.

Apparently, Mark Twain wrote about this townE at some point, so everything there bore either his name, or had "BONANZA" strewn across it (filmed in at the nearby Lake Tahoe). Because we're in Nevada, if it wasn't a museum, it was a bar - and if it was a bar, it was also a casino. The whole townE is basically on one side of the street, perched on the side of a mountain, making for some beautiful vistas out of every casino/bar door down the magnificent valleys. And, because it is on the side of a mountain, there was even a mine tour leaving from the back of one of the bars. The whole townE had the traditional, rustic covered boardwalk in front of all the stores, that clicked with every cowboy boot that struck it.

Interestingly, some nearby mines made upwards of 180Million in gold, silver and iron; but this mine in this town made a total of 438 DOLLARS over the course of the entire time they worked it.

Anywho, because we were in an old west townE, something about the sound of all the spurs and the ONE resident horse we saw, made us want to take some old west photos. So the three of us got all gussied up like gun-slinging bank robbers (except Elsie, who looked so precious in her little old-time gown) and we got our sepia on.

It was a perfect day, and Elsie did SO well all day - just as amused looking at all the ridiculous get-ups as we were. We stopped by an old fudge store, too, and got some ice cream and divinity (which was indeed divine). And on the way home, enjoyed some truly magnificent views of all of Reno from the hills. This townE, although it's only about half an hour away, is really in the middle of nowhere; and I have no idea why anyone would have chosen to settle there. There wasn't even a water source except for all the booze. And it occurred to me that I wonder how anybody traveling through would even FIND this little street up in the highlands? Maybe that's why it has so much charm, and was never really modernized?

If you ever decide to go, it's definitely worth your time to experience it. Especially if you like to see people with no life look like mazda-driving cowboy wannabes.

Moving

Welp, if you have no life and check my blog at all, you'll notice it's been a while since I posted. This last week has been a rough one for Elsie, and any free time I have had has been devoted to packing up our things for our next move. In less than a week, we're hitting the road for yet another adventure; this time in Denver'ish.
I'm super looking forward to moving. I'm super done with Reno. No people I love here, no friends, not a lot of water, and WAY too much hot. I take Winston out a maximum of once a day simply because I can't stand the heat. If he has to go again, he gets to wait until after dark. And these air conditioners are a joke. It's always well over 85 IN THE HOUSE by mid afternoon, And with my little space heater-baby too? Ugh.
It has been fun, though - especially when we had visitors! It's just a shame they have their own lives to go back to. :(
Probably checking out for a week or two to get settled in Colorado.

Every girls' guide to being pregnant

For the ladies

* Understand you're going to uber tired, and be okay with going to bed when you can at night. For me, more often then not, it was within minutes of getting home from work. Frozen meals for the man are great when you just don't have anything left to give.

* Buy a pregnancy back brace, especially if you're on your feet at all. You can get them on Amazon cheaply, and their worth every penny.

* Belly Bands - great for style and keeping the "flesh-belt" contained; worthless for support. Buy aforementioned back brace.

* Don't bother with Motherhood Maternity, Boutique places, or even Ross for maternity clothes, except for the few style pieces for your wardrobe. JC Penny for maternity pants, and Target for the rest are your best bets. They'll fit you through the end, and not make you feel like a heifer doing it.

* Don't bother with "stretch mark" lotion, especially in the dinky little bottles you have to squeeze. By the time you're done slathering yourself, the bottle will be slimed and empty. Instead, opt for the PUMP type bottle of regular vaseline lotion. Works like a pro and goes a long way.

* Buy a nice new water bottle you enjoy drinking out of. As often as you'll use it, you might as well like it. I love these.

* Buy new, animal print undies in a size up from your regular. Trust me on this one, you'll need some fierce undernares to feel at all sexy.

* Tylenol's the only drug you really can take. Buy it now.

* Just go to Costco and buy their bottle of Tums.

* Hot nail polish goes a long way.

* At least for me, chapstick and Head-and-Shoulders became used daily

* Get your hands on a huge pillow or four. It takes a while, but a pillow fortress is amazing for sleeping better. Tilted sideways, one under head, one behind back, one under knees, and one supporting belly...aaahhhh. Then watch your poor hubby try to snuggle you. :(

* Keep a weekly journal. Record what you felt and what you were feeling. It goes by so quickly, and you'll forget.


What did I forget?

Things that are impossible...

...To do one-handed: top ten discovered today

1. A worthwhile, thoughtful blog
2. Folding Laundry
3. Making a sandwich for lunch
4. Opening a can of soup because said sandwich can't be made
5. Brushing hair (well, you can, it just hurts a lot more for some reason)
6. Potty break
7. Picking up after Winston outside. Sorry neighbors - it's gonna have to wait
8. Read a book that has more than one page
9. Pack the house up for our move
10. Change clothes after an attack of the spit-up


Things you CAN do one-handed:

1. Hold my beautiful baby, and forget the rest. I'll eat when I'm dead...or whatever

*Addendum to top 40

#41. Go on a game show.

An unfortunate oversight when creating my list, because this is actually more like top 5. I really wanted to go on Fear Factor when it was on, and do it with my sister, but they had an age limit, of which I was one year short before they went off the air. It's dumb, because I think I could have really dominated. Other current options to be considered include:

*Cashcab, *Ninja Warrior, *America's got talent (if I had a talent), *101 ways to leave a game show, *Wipeout, *Wheel of fortune, *Survivor (is that still on??), *That one that Tyler likes where they have to travel...Amazing Race?, and maybe the marriage ref so we can talk about Everett's baseball card collection :)

Pumping gas

It's been a while since I've pumped gas. Living in Oregon the last three years, some buddy outside always does it for you, and when we travel, Everett is always a gentleman and does it. Even the one time I was without him, my sweet sister in law did it for us.
Well I had to do it today. Fortunately, it's a skill not easily forgotten. I even remembered which side the tank was on! As I was washing the windshield and checking the oil, I was remembering a time when someone went above their "pay grade". It was the first time I was tasked with pumping my own fuel, and had no idea what I was doing. I had just gotten my license, and was on my way home from class.
I'm the kind of person that hates to ask for help. I learned from my Grandma Jessie that, "if anyone can figure out how to do [it], I can too". It gives us pride to be able to be self-sufficient and independent; but this was scary to me. I knew from >plenty< of experience how flammable gasoline is, and had just learned in drivers' ed. that apparently static electricity is potentially enough to cause a spark, leading to an explosion. Yikes. So here I was with a dichotomy: make my grandma proud and figure it out how to do it risking explosion, or have "no spine" and ask for help for something I know is stupidly easy and risk looking like an idiot.
Well, I went against my nature, and with my chin sheepishly buried in my chest, I slowly marched into the mini-mart and solicited the attendant to walk me through the process. I knew what he was going to say (after he laughed, of course). It would be something he would probably regret saying, because it would highlight the fact that this otherwise normal looking high schooler was a complete waste of skin and didn't even know how to put a nozzle in a hole.
You all already know where this is going, though. I know my veil is thin. He didn't say anything like that. As soon as I opened my self-conscience mouth, he jumped from his stool, and smilingly said, "Well! Let's get you some gas, Young Lady!" He lead me out, and graciously showed me how everything worked, affording me every detail. Then, of course, I felt daft for having been so afraid of simply asking for instruction.

I say all this because this is one of those moments that changed my life. That restored my faith in humanity, if you will - that without judgment, I was helped. There have been a few times when people have quietly supported me and encouraged me, when I didn't ask or expect them to. And this is the type of person I want to 'grow up' to be. Sure, it wasn't anything big, and I'm sure I could have easily figured it out on my own. But I want to be the person in the crowd that listens and engages when there is opportunity. Shoot, just to be able to recognize those opportunities!

The Bucket - current top 40

In no particular order, except for #1.

1. Make the Gospel attractive to my daughter & any future children
2. Bungee jump
3. Helicopter ride. Especially if it means a Heli-hike
4. Swim with dolphins somewhere tropical
5. Hot air balloon ride
6. Visit New Zealand
7. Hawaii
8. Para glide
9. Para Sail
10. See Josh Groban perform
11. Have one "specialty" dish that everyone likes
12. Visit the Mayan Ruins
13. Own a newer Mustang, Charger, or Camaro.
14. Learn to enjoy reading/being quiet
15. Get a hobby. Hopefully one that isn't expensive
16. Learn to do my hair well
17. Learn to dress stylishly
18. (maybe 17 1/2) Learn to dress stylishly on a budget
19. Skydiving.
20. Ride an Elephant, Giraffe, Ostrich, Water buffalo, Yak or Camel
21. Take a real trip through another country by train. And read a newspaper on it.
22. Dive a cool shipwreck with my daddy.
23. Experience zero gravity
24. Play in one of those people-sized hamster balls
25. Water ski
26. Try Trapeze
27. Juggle. Well.
28. Get Motorcycle License
29. Buy a house.
30. Have a successful fruit tree or two at said house
31. Safari
32. Legit White Water Rafting
33. Walk the Wall of China
34. Adopt.
35. Go to the Pawn shop in Vegas featured on 'Pawn Stars' and meet Rick
36. Go to the Kentucky Derby and wear a big hat
37. Celebrate 50th anniversary.
38. See the Eiffel Tower
39. Spin the globe, point to a destination, go. That week.
40. Use a working Jet Pack.

Why don't these things have remotes?

And I thought getting married would magnify my sin.

As I was sitting in the nursery at church this Sunday (instead of being in the actual service due to my relentlessly crying infant), irony hit me like an...iron fist. It was my sin. My hurt feelings. My attitude. I was angry. Elsie didn't seem to realize how much I wanted to be in the service; how I had carefully scheduled the entire day leading to the 5pm service so that all her needs would be freshly met going into the service. No interruptions. But of all the places to lose my patience, and of all the reasons to lose it, and of all the things to lose it with: this precious gift from God.

It wasn't really until Cameron came out after me that I realized how sick my heart was. He came with no reservations asking if he could take her so I could go in. Volunteering to give up what I was so shamefully lusting after. What I was so bitter about. Ugh.

Lord, forgive me for my impatience and ungrateful, sick heart. Remind me that I am not in control, and that it is okay not to be. Thank you for revealing my sin - please reveal yourself to me in spite of it.

Recap

So, I'm sitting here with a recently grumpy, but currently sleeping baby on my chest - so we'll see how long this lasts. It's been a long time since I've had two free hands to myself. Hmm, already awake again...but calm. Nope. Grumpy again. Darn. This'll have to wait.

Okay, take two.

Well, I've been meaning to get back into blogging for a long time now. The last time I was diligent about it was immediately after we got married and I was at home job hunting. Now, after just having had a baby, I do a lot of talking to myself anyway so I might as well be writing again.

It's been an interesting couple of months for me. On May 4th I had my final day at Wells Fargo. I (believe it or not!) had a hard time leaving. I was excited to not have to sell home equity accounts anymore, but sad to be leaving what I knew for what was totally unknown. And I knew I would miss my coworkers, too. Shoot I missed them over the weekends.
On May 5th, with the help of Cole and eventually some folks from our amazing church, Grace and Truth, we got our Uhaul loaded up with most of our things. With a few slight miscalculations, we weren't able to fit everything we wanted; giving our TV, and even my strawberries the boot for lack of room. At 37 weeks pregnant, we drove from our home in Forest grove to Sunnyside for the weekend. Homeless, we went to Matt Horsley's wedding in the Valley. So fun to see our friends from school!
May 8th, after church at Lower Valley and a tour of our home in progress, we finally hit the road for Reno with Mom and Dad Boboth in tow. Along the way, we stopped at a cute little pet-friendly hotel in a town with a surprisingly upscale steakhouse a few blocks away. Arriving the next day, we were greeted with 90* temps, and an interesting apartment manager names James. We knew right away it would be best to avoid conversations with him if we wanted to have any day left over afterwords. Sweet guy. Long-winded.
The next few weeks Everett and I had some time to play and explore our new tromping grounds. We saw the casinos, my doctor, and discovered Sparks Marina, which became an instant favorite and long-term memory. All except Hanson and Caroline have had their shot at it. And we know Winston loves it!
May 22nd, Sheri drove down here to be with me, because August 23rd Everett started his first day at the Sierra Nevada VA. He was nervous, and slept poorly, but quickly became acclimated to the pace and style of the practice. Mom and I visited the Marina very nearly every day thereafter, usually doing it twice which came to just about 4 miles a day. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to help Elsie come any sooner, but it did get me in shape in a hurry. That lady doesn't mess around! The next 3 weeks were full of a lot of Settlers games, too. A few of which I won. It was so fun having her company and getting to know her better. We really hadn't ever had that much time together alone before.
The first week of June my sister flew in, tagging it to the end of business trip in California. I picked her up just after midnight, and we of course stayed up even later trying to keep our giggles down to not wake Sheri. The three of us, as expected, hit the lake. A little later, my parents got tired of waiting for the call, and just decided to come down. COOL! We hit Scheels outdoor shop during that week, and mom and Jess got themselves tickets for the indoor ferris wheel. What rebels! Then that Thursday, Fred flew in. Ok - everyone's here...except Elsie. Where IS that baby?! I get fashionably late, but c'mon! You're giving Grandma Connie time to find other things to do, and levers to pull :)

*No, I don't post anymore, really. Maybe when Elsie's here and family is gone I'll tell you all about her bodily functions